I guess it’s pretty obvious that I haven’t gotten around to blogging for a while. I haven’t been much of anything for a while really. I always hoped I would be able to write a book, but despite having the imagination, things lose the spark when they’re written down. And I’m expected to go on living while I try to do this, not that I manage much living either, I’m just someone who happens to be at some places, in the background, in the direction no-one’s looking in… I guess I’m saying I can get things done on the fly, like writing this blog post here but the more I think about them, the bigger they become, and I can’t remember enough to get them written down. I’m trying to get myself to write here more, so I need to just write, without a big subject. I have lots of days where I can’t see the way forward, and I think so much that I am exhausted from it by the time I am actually in the position to talk to someone. So this is me trying to talk, without writing something down first, or planning a subject, other than that I need to start talking. Which I have done in a stream of consciousness, but at least I managed not to be sorry for myself the whole way. I feel sorry for you if you’ve read this far. I’ll try to write something interesting next time. But remember interesting is a very subjective word.
OK, it has been an age since I posted on here, and at the moment I’m wondering how I ever wrote anything at all. I tend to avoid talking about how I am, because in all honesty, I don’t know what is going on with me. My mind is so clouded I can never think straight, and I don’t even know how long I’ve been like this. I think it was like this when I went to University, and I always just tried to keep going, but I’m feeling like I’m never going to have a normal life. I’ve always had problems explaining to Doctors, even though I can converse quite well, yet when required to perform a test, I somehow manage to do it well if I don’t try to think about it. I’m aware I might be something of a hypochondriac but I feel like there is something wrong with me as well. I briefly had a proper job for the first time at the age of 30 but lost it before long because everything got on top of me, even though it shouldn’t have been that hard, and I couldn’t explain what the problem was. I’m drawing on a good support network but going back and forth with depression and anxiety. So that’s where I’m at, I’m trying to get back into writing, but my mood is often so low and my mind so mixed up I never know how it’ll turn out. Hopefully I can spark something going and somehow get beyond this.
I try not to read or watch much news, but when there is a national emergency, particularly in a nation I can do little about, I get caught up in the coverage as much as other people, even a certain person who seems to think ‘BBC News 24’ is a mandatory instruction! I’ve made a lot of friends in other countries, past and present, wish they were all present, but there are so many things that can happen in life, it’s a miracle anybody gets by with someone to talk to.. I still care about anybody who was ever good to me, and any time a link is broken or any conversation ends in an unsatisfying way, I dread the possibility that that could be the last time I hear from them, and that something may happen that will end any possibility of seeing that person, of saying the things that are held back until the last moments.
That’s why I feel unsettled by hearing about this hurricane, superstorm, Sandy. This strangely named freak of nature is endangering the lives of some really great people and I just really hope that it is going to be okay. Take care of yourselves and let people know you care. Life can be long, but we never know how long. Stay safe.
I’ve been dealing with charity work in some capacities for some time now. I’m due to be starting a volunteer placement soon, I’m a trustee with what I feel to be one of Leeds’s ( Meanwhile I’m looking for a real job, and an employment consultant at the place I’m going to showed me a job advertisement that I loved. It’s with a charity, will involve my Uni honed IT skills, my increasing confidence and organising volunteers. Every line read “I can do this“. I really wanted to make this an application that would blow someone of their chair. But of course, I muffed™ it. I think. I had next Thursday on my mind and when I read the Email with the deadline it was set there, I even put it in on the calendar app on my phone. So, as I reached a late part in the construction of this epic of inexperience and slight euphemism I had another look at said magic missive, I just about wet my laptop.
The deadline was that very day. Almost 2 hours ago in fact. The place went from the palm of my hand to the skin of my teeth. I hurriedly finished the form, -having to leave the holes I meant to plaster around to the angels. Or buzzards- and spent valuable time trying to accentuate some extinuation in the accompanying email. So, 2 hours late. It’s too early to know if it will get anywhere. But the uncanny accuracy of the job description made me feel like there is a place for me. I always think when I leave things to do when I’m feeling better that I assume “tomorrow I’ll be Superman!” A reasonable assumption perhaps, but often disproved. But perhaps this is a way that I can be more. Whether or not I get this job I’m going to look to charities.
I try to be polite where I can, very much so actually, holding doors long before people notice but I am happy to. I like helping people and it’s about time to bring it forward. I can still hold doors for people who don’t really need it, but I can also open doors for those who do need it.
I hope you are all feeling good.
You’re welcome to share if you’re not. Be good to yourselves and each other. (Is that from a cartoon or something, it was just there in my head!?)
One last thing…
I am here again.
I have sleepwalked down your run-down streets,
Through the walls of glaring eyes.
Hearing their shouts spat at me,
They see me but do not know me.
I am protected by weariness and purpose, purposeful weariness,
Weariness of purpose.
I could be so much
Humanity is so shameful it denies it’s own existence.
There’s nothing for it
But to go back,
And return tomorrow
Through the catch-as-catch-can can-can that claims to be life.
Maybe a big bang at Midnight will bring about a new world
The one I belonged to all along.
But all I can do is go out and see.
It would be a shame to miss a life I’ve waited for so long.
So I’ve not been blogging for a while besides typing up a few poems, and I haven’t really posted anything casual as far as I can remember but I have my laptop on, and I feel like typing without transcribing and maybe venting so here I am, sitting in bed watching Rescue me- which I’ve only recently got into and it’s on way late.
I have a bad history of typing when I’m tired- it’s the nearest I get to being drunk- but this is indirect so I’ll see what happens.
The date just ticked onto my least favourite day, the one which makes me feel a whole lot of negative feelings because I never have anyone to share it with, and because the hype for it starts early, so do those feelings. The only seasonal thing I ever feel like doing on this day is rereading the crimelibrary entry on the day’s eponymous massacre. Maybe I sound like a miserable sod but I’m trying to put different aspects of myself up here and this is me just now.
On the plus side yesterday was one of the first times I’ve been out lately where there wasn’t any ice to fall on- which I did last monthyear flattening my ankle. But that’s healed now, so I went and hurt something else, had a strenuous session at my theatre group and my back aches like hell. But that’s what happens when I move more than twice in a minute. It was fun though, as it always is, but that and my writing group are about the only things I’ve been out for this year and they’re monthly and fortnightly respectively.
I see Walker’s crisps are running a guess the mystery flavours campaign, the other night an ad was shown straight after one for durex condoms.. I’m not going to be trying those flavours. A few days before, that durex ad was followed by one for Dora the Explorer magazine. I still don’t know what to make of that.
Right, Rescue me’s finished so I guess now’s a good time to wrap up and go sleep.
I hope you’re doing well out there, it’s a bit late to be profound or profane so I’ll just say bye for now!
You all know what today is. Broadband internet and DVD were in their infancy, the worst man in the world was Saddam Hussein. Youtube, Facebook and Myspace hadn’t yet been conceived, and neither had many of the youngsters who play in our streets today. The World Trade Center was one of many monuments to American engineering, pride and ambition, workplace for many, one of the most recognisable features of the New York skyline. Thousands of people went there that day, many didn’t come out alive and would have known little of what was happening, known neither why they had to die, nor the message that was being sent to them as part of the personified ‘America’ that was attacked.
People are individuals. A Country is a piece of land and a political system but it cannot speak for everybody, and it remains there long after it’s inhabitants are gone. The only people that could have known what would happen that day were the people who planned it, and the ones that they interacted with who could have only seen a fraction of the story, but are haunted by not being able to prevent it. The people who occupied the towers were in the wrong place at the wrong time, a cliche but a colossal understatement.
I’m in the same room I was when I put the TV on and saw one of the World’s biggest buildings bleeding a deathly smoke, heard news reporters struggling to find out what was happening, to tell the World things it would take everyone years to understand. And still, there is a sense of unreality about it. How a religion can be twisted in a way that would allow anybody to believe that was the right thing. This seems to have been repeated, with 7/7 and other incidents, it seems like the ‘angry young man’ can be found in many cultures, and can be manipulated by the wrong people.
I don’t blame Islam for what happened, same as I don’t blame Western religion for Waco. In a bad state of mind anything can be made to make sense by a charismatic person people trust, and manipulative people can also be found the world over. Every religion has had a bad person who makes their own interpretation of what is acceptable, for their own purposes. On this day ten years ago, the World realised how far they will go.
Hundreds of police and firefighters went to that scene, not knowing how bad it would get, not knowing if they’d come back alive. Think about that. Two buildings which would soon collapse, tall enough to crush several surrounding buildings. And people were going in. Doing what they can to rescue people in a situation where they were practically blinded, communication marred by a longstanding rivalry between the police and the fire department, which meant some information was shared too late to save many of those well intentioned saviours. That rivalry ended that day, along with so many lives. That day that brought buildings down, lives to an end, and distant countries together.
Everything has changed so much in the intervening years. People have suffered undue prejudice because their religion or nationality resemble those of the perpetrators. Hatred provokes hatred, and the people really responsible had disappeared from justice. Their actions were a betrayal of the real religion that they claimed to follow, they hid behind it and many people were too angry to see that. They too, were victims of 9/11 as were the families.
I realise at this point that I haven’t used the ‘t’ word. The one that has been used throughout this decade, so often that it’s lost all meaning. But then so much about this has been meaningless. Some people knocked something over and countless lives were changed forever.
I’ve seen a part of History, and watched the the results of acts of evil, heard people who escaped that day. I hope that I never see anything this real again.
I will never forget.